Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot
One of the hardest things for some people to do is take criticism, even when they are smart enough to know they don't know everything. I'm in the group but I get better as time goes on. One of the most sensitive things for me is to listen to the constant cry of my son's pending doom because he's being raised by me - a single mother. They are usually married folks or childless folks (and they all think they are better than single mothers).
No, I am not broken by their constant castigating of my bringing a child into this world without a father. The more they spin their broken record the more you notice that about 75% of it sounds like ignorance. They are the types that would see Raising Him Alone as an evil site with a subversive message encouraging women to have children out of wedlock. I just don't have time for the drama. And let's be honest, most of their broad criticism is another way the black cyber intelligentsia lays all the problems involving black people on everyone but themselves. Because if no one had children out of wedlock and behaved like them everything would be fine. In their know-it-all minds anyway.
I found that site thanks to Max Reddick over at Soul Brother v.2 which seems to be a place for honest discussion without antagonism and drama all rolled up into one. He wrote a post a week ago titled, "Can a Woman Raise a Man?" Most times such a title would lead me to ignore because of the inevitable drama but I read the post and the comments, which is a testament to Max's carefully thought out and non-chastising words.
In the comments section, which I entered late as usual, I asked what is it that I can't teach my son? I didn't ask in a condescending manner. I didn't ask in a defensive one. It was with true sincerity. Why do I ask? Because I'm sure there are things that I overlook just as I surely would if I was raising a daughter. We're not perfect whether we're raising kids alone, with a spouse and even extended support groups.
I, like Max, have a propensity to come down hard on my son. So much so that my mother feels the need to remind me that "he's not in the Army."
I was in the Army where the coddling is minimal. Coupled with a childhood with little affection and you have a woman that is harder than even she wants to be at times. (Which also manifests itself in my relationships but that's another subject). So I admit I can be very tough on my son. (Sometimes I fear he'll gravitate towards a mean woman just like his mom. That's scary.)
We wrestle on the floor. I taught him his love of sports. I'm nursing a sore shoulder because I tossed batting practice to him Saturday at the baseball field. I take him to football practice and taught him how to throw a spiral. I took him to karate lessons then handed him over to my mom in the 7-11 parking lot across the street from my college campus as I went to class. None of this seems like "dad work" that I am burdened with because I love sports.
I told him about masturbation when he heard the word on the radio. I answered when he asked me how will he know the right kind of woman when its time for him to get married. We've talked about love and not having children before career and marriage. I tell him how I think a woman/ girl should be treated and he breaks his neck to open doors for me.
We constantly talk about the importance of integrity and owning one's mistakes, the value of a man's word, and making himself (and his family) proud.
I don't give this laundry list to say, "Look how great a mom I am." Like I said I'm not perfect and the laundry list of mistakes is equal if not longer. I do it just to give you an idea of what I am doing so maybe you can spot what I'm not.
While that's not everything I've talked with him about nor is it everything I plan on talking to him about I'd rather just sit back and listen as men (and women feel free to join) tell me what I should teach my son.
Other posts:
Stability in the home just as important as two parents
Black cyber intelligentsia has become the main stream with its demands on poor black people
I lied and the black cyber intelligentsia sucks
I am not dragging you down
Short Notes: I Like Living This Way, I Like Loving This Way
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A few links: Clay Burell makes his triumphant return to blogging with this
random yet well-prosed musing about where he’s been for the last … ever.
[Beyond...
8 comments:
The short answer to your question is that there is nothing a man can teach a boy that a woman cannot. In fact, when I look at my upbringing, it was women who taught me the most enduring lessons. It was my grandmother, my mother, and my aunts who sat me down and explicitly explained to me how to be a good man.
They talked to me about love and sex and the differences therein. They taught me how to treat a woman and how to treat others. They talked to be about self-respect and how to carry myself. They talked to me about work and attempted to instill in me a good work ethic. They taught me a myriad of things. But what they could not do was to model these lessons for me.
When you sit down and talk to someone, when you sit down and teach someone something, when you read something in a book, the lesson is often taught in abstract terms. It usually takes experience to make that lesson real. And my grandfathers, my father, and my uncles made those lessons real for me.
In them I saw an active demonstration of those lessons. I saw how they carried themselves in a prideful, but not haughty, manner. I saw how they treated their wives and children. I saw them go out and use whatever they had to make a living for themselves. I saw them be men, and I grew up wanting to be just like them.
I dearly loved my grandmother. I dearly love my mother and aunts. And the many lessons they taught me were invaluable. They have surely contributed mightily to the man I’ve become. But they could talk to me. They could teach me. But they could not show me. They could not make the concept real in that way.
But you seem to have a good handle on things, and I applaud you. I celebrate you and every other single mom doing the very best they can with what they have. I am sure your son will be a blessing to all he comes in contact with because of your efforts.
And thank you for the link.
Love yourself and be a blessing to somebody,
Max
"When you sit down and talk to someone, when you sit down and teach someone something, when you read something in a book, the lesson is often taught in abstract terms. It usually takes experience to make that lesson real. And my grandfathers, my father, and my uncles made those lessons real for me."
That is so true Max. That's my biggest concern with my son. He has a couple of models around him hopefully he's taking them in.
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question.
I think your on the right path if your asking, boys from single moms tend to look at outside men as role models and and piece together the blue print that they want to follow. The easy thing to do is eliminate those men who are obviously wrong. I think women can lay the blue print down and have thier boys navigate it themselves, but it's basically up the the kid and what he was taught morally.
I will say that I would be damn if I ask my mother ANYTHING about masturbation, lol.
Mike, I see it as a puzzle too. And not because I try to ease my guilt or justify raising my son alone.
I would never promote and no one will ever hear me say, "You don't need a man to raise kids."
I say it because even though I was raised by a mother there were many women who influenced me in very positive ways besides my mom.
As far as the masturbation, I'm usually good about gauging if the radio is safe for the kid though I slip up from time to time. But this day I had no warning it just seemed to come out of nowhere.
When he asked my first response was, "Don't worry about it." But I know if a kid asks, usually that is the time to talk about an issue.
So I told him what it was in what I hope was age-appropriate language. And I kept it very short. LOL
Lol, you I am not worried about but I know if he an idea what it was he probably wouldnt ask, lol.
You are so right he probably would not have asked if he had any idea where that conversation would go. LOL
You are right, we childless people do have a tendancy to look down upon single moms, especially if they've never been married. But the difference in a woman and a man raising a male child... like you said, you can try to TEACH him all the things he needs to know. A man can SHOW him all those things. There is a HUGE difference in the two and the outcome of them. Best wishes... sounds like you are doing one hell of a job. But don't downplay the value of a daddy in a male child's life.
Thanks Teowonna,
I would never downplay the value of a dad. To me that is stupid.
But I don't allow a single-parent home to be an excuse for my son not meeting the standards I've set for him.
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